mymanymoodsofme

ME, MYSELF, AND EYE

APHORISMS SQUEAK LOUDER THAN BIRDS

Zero tolerance for predators, and no Moore excuses!

It’s all about respect. No woman should have to feel squeasy.

The GOP tax plan: Serving the middle class… on a platter, as usual.

They’re great at running things. Into the ground!

Mexico won’t peso. What now?

Perhaps Trump’s scheme is to screw things up so much here that Mexico is the one who decides to build a wall!

Trump often exhibits temper rally insanity.

Hateful people are always lost in contempt-plation.

Fantasy colliding with reality is like a bug colliding with a windshield.

Beware the true believer whose grasp of reality is unrealing.

To avoid bad news, kill the messenger before he arrives.

Get a clue National Security, and finger Prince.

The hungrier you are, the better food tastes.

Insomniacs can only dream of sleep.

Live your life or die trying.

“Why the long face?” I asked the horse. “Because whoa is me,” he replied.

‘Tis the season for giving, forgiving is divine.

 

 

 

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THE THINK TANK

“You know,” remarked George as he emptied the contents of the dustpan into the Colonel’s pocket, “If I had kept all of the dirt that I’ve swept up over the years, by now I’d have my own mountain.”

“Shut-up, you moron,” sneered Sid. He so enjoyed these discussions.

The Colonel suddenly became quite agitated. “I’ll tell you what it is with Generation X!” he sputtered. “They’re jealous because the Baby Boomers wrote all the best rock and roll songs and didn’t save them any!”

Bernard didn’t know what to say. “I don’t know what to say,” he said.

“Well well well well well,” said Stan. He felt confident in his loose-fit jeans.

“Um,” interjected Andy. The room became thick with silence as all eyes focused in upon him. He felt like the proverbial insect under the microscope. His hands began to get clammy and he wished he’d never been born. “Looks like rain,” he finally blurted out.

“Yes indeed,” agreed the Colonel.

“Of course it looks like rain, you moron,” snapped Sid, “It’s been raining all morning!”

“I didn’t see the weather forecast,” confided George, “No wonder I’m so wet.”

Bernard still didn’t know what to say. How he wished that he’d paid more attention to those designer-jeans commercials!

“The hell with Mike,” chortled the Colonel, “I want to be like Wilt!”

Raucous laughter broke out among all except Andy, who was still worrying about his sweaty palms. “Why the hell don’t they make palm deodorant?” he wondered. He felt enraged, yet powerless to do anything about it.

“Well well well well well,” said Stan.

Bernard cursed silently, wishing he’d thought of that.

And then it happened. The Colonel farted.

Stan lunged back instinctively, away from that loud report, but unfortunately he was only inches away from the window and thus crashed through it, plummeting to the ground below. Bernard’s mind raced at the speed of light. He’d seen something like this once on television, and he suddenly knew exactly what to say. But then he forgot.

“He fell out the window,” said Andy.

“Yes indeed,” said the Colonel.

“Don’t worry,” said George, “I was a lifeguard. I know what to do.” And with that he dove out of the window, only realizing later the unfortunate mistake which he had just made.

Bernard shifted his buttocks to a more comfortable position. His mind was a blank but he felt compelled to say something. Anything. “Um!” he cried out, suddenly inspired, “Wait for me!” Beaming with new found confidence, he also hurled himself out of the window.

All this time Andy’s palms had been sweating profusely. He’d always secretly dreamed of becoming a thrill-seeking  daredevil circus stuntman and at this very moment he felt terribly inferior, like one week-old vintage wine. His throat became dry and his tongue began to itch. It was too much for him to bear, and with a hoarse, tortured scream he flung himself out of the window as well.

“Damn!” said Sid, “Not again!” For this exact same sequence of events had occurred just two weeks earlier.

The Colonel grimaced sheepishly. “I hate rainy days!” he said.

 

 

 

EXTRA-SENSORY APHORISMS

No news is good news unless it’s fake.

Liars are always anxious to tell their perversion of the truth.

The Mad Hater held a tea party with malice in “Blunderland”.

Trump supporters believe insecurity in numbers.

Trump rallies: More rendezvous’ .

John McCain has always served his country, unlike those who only serve themselves.

Heroes give everything, zeros give nothing.

Scoundrels climb the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

When Trump proposed throwing a party, no one realized it would be under the bus.

Make me look bad and I’ll get ugly!

What do you get when you cross Republicans with a dunce? Republicunts.

A lesser-known Knight of the Round Table was Sir Ramick. He had feet of clay.

The greaser from Brooklyn awoke oily in the morning.

I’m a delivery driver. Mainly I haul ass.

How do I get my ideas? Funny thinks happen to me.

To grow more evasive, fertile lies with bullshit.

To end war, have a peace of justice.

 

UNIDENTIFIED FLYING APHORISMS

Trump’s strategy: Pandering to debase.

Ask me if Trump is unfit to be president and I’ll answer with an unqualified “YES!”

If you ignore reality long enough, it will eventually sneak-up behind you and give you a good, swift kick in the ass.

To get something done about global warming, turn up the “heat” on politicians.

The rich get richer, mainly because of their pediGREED.

I support any politician who runs with scissors.

Is there a DACA in the House?

The worst thing about Hell is probably that it’s so damn crowded.

Perhaps Zuckerberg should change his company’s name to “TWO-FACEBOOK”.

A police statemeant: “No civil liberties.”

Arrest police brutality before it kills again.

There’s no getting around it, life is a circle.

Pass the time, if you’ve got any extra.

Why are operators always standing by? For goodness sake, somebody give them chairs!

Take up downhill racing if you’re so inclined.

No faith? Know faith!

I’m right here aware are you?

 

 

FORGOTTEN LOVE

I kissed her. Hard.

“Ouch!” she said.

“Sorry,” I replied.

“Bastard!” she hissed, “Love is never having to say you’re sorry!”

“Jeepers!” I exclaimed.

But it was too late for sweet talk. She had gotten amnesia and wandered off.

“Where did you go?!” I cried out.

“I don’t know!” she replied, “I’ve got amnesia and can’t remember!”

I looked everywhere I could see but she was gone. And to make matters worse it was almost dinner time.

“My innermost feelings are hungry!” I cried out in anguish, “Please make me a sandwich!”

But there was no reply. I was beside myself, which made me very angry.

“Damn it!” I warned myself, “Don’t stand so close to me!”

But it was too late for diplomacy so I kicked myself in the face. Normally, something like this would give me amnesia, but since I was already suffering from a previous case of amnesia that I had forgotten about, it instead brought back all the memories of a similar kick to the face from years ago.

“Ouch!” I said.

So I guess it really is true what they say. Love hurts.

SPACE ALIENATED

The most alarming and fastest growing crime statistic of recent years has been that of space alien abductions. Abduction victims have reported being prodded and medically examined and, in a few extreme cases, forced to perform laser karaoke. What should you do if confronted by space aliens? First of all, never ever open your door for space aliens. It’s best to pretend that you’re not even home. If the space aliens persist you might try playing a Barry Manilow record. Scientists are not sure why, but this sometimes drives them away. But remember, space aliens have highly advanced scientific technology far superior to our own, so it’s a good idea to keep a baseball bat handy as well. Kids, don’t talk to space aliens, and never ever get into an alien spaceship, even if a space alien offers you some space candy. Remember kids, just say “no” to space aliens! And in the event that you ever actually do find yourself confronted face to face with space aliens, try to remain calm, act polite but distant and, for goodness sake, don’t make any annoying wisecracks about their over-sized heads and huge insect-like eyes!

As a final cautionary note, the following recently documented case of space alien abduction was recounted while under hypnotic trance by Mr. Gil Dibble of Mesa Plaisa, New Mexico who, in accordance with his own wishes, will remain unanimous:

“I was out walking my pet antelope, Penny Antie, in area 50, when I made a wrong turn and ended up in area 51. All of a suddenly some wiseguy in a spaceship comes flying out of the sky, and it scared me so bad I almost fell off my pogo stick! I yelled at him to slow down, but it was too late for that because all of a suddenly it was parked nearby, and I don’t know. Then these damn space aliens came over. I don’t think they had any insurance either, because the first thing they did was try to put me in some sort of trance. But I was too intelligence for that, and I only played along with them to see if they’d feed me. They took me to this shiny room in their spaceship, but when one of them got fresh with me I kicked him where the sun don’t shine! Then I hopped onto the back of Penny Antie, and we busted on out of there! We didn’t even stop until we got to area 39, twelve areas away, which is a lot! The hole experience seems like a dream to me now, but I know it really happened because later on I found “crap-circles” in my underpants. Damn space aliens!”

NO STORY HERE!!!

Take a second first of all and don’t be confused. The “real” story is that there is no “real” story so you might as well ask me what I think about nothing because I don’t think nothing about nothing because it’s all just fake. And what “they” really don’t want you to know is that the “real” story is that there’s nothing to know because there is no “real” story, which is logical because there’s nothing that’s going to change my mind about that because it’s all really fake, except for the part about nothing, which is really real. And you can believe that because it’s what I heard. And I’ve seen lots of “reality” shows in my time so I guess that pretty much makes me a “authority” on the subject, case closed, end of discussion, checkers mate.  And it really pisses me off but I’m not sure why so maybe that’s fake as well, which means I’ll have to check it out and make sure just in case I need to punch someone in the face. So please quit all those mean, horrible, hurtful lies or else because it makes me so disoriented and confused that sometimes I fall down and hurt myself with punitive damages, so thanks a lot Hillary Obama, if that really is your real name! And don’t try to tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about because nothing makes me angrier than that! It’s like the old saying our parents taught us: “If you can’t say anything nice, shut-up fuck face!” So just move along if you know what’s good for you, because there’s nothing to see here because there’s nothing to know because it’s really all fake so quit making a spectacle of yourself because there’s absolutely NO STORY HERE!!!

 

ONCE UPON AN APHORISM

Trumpty-Dumpty sat on a wall…

“Pardon me,” said the stinky old fart.

Hear a wealth-made man lies.

One gets the impression they’d prefer a press “corpse”.

“Look!” said the blind and deaf elephant, “There’s nothing to see hear!”

Clean-up your own messages.

The only way to have your cake and eat it too is to steal someone else’s.

They remain conceited because they actually can’t stand themselves.

The most obvious need of any child is apparent.

Mother Goose got down!

If I didn’t have a brain I wouldn’t mind.

To add self-sufficiency and self-reliance, count on your own fingers.

What do you call a frightened Australian psychoanalyst? A Freudy-cat.

What do you call a French female lawyer? Le gal.

Who’s the world’s greatest inventor? Pat Pending.

When I die I want to be remembered posthumorously.

Chess develops mental patience.

THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE APHORISM

President Trump wants to lead the entire country. ASTRAY!

The Trump Lie-brary adds volumes every day.

He’s gotta license he doesn’t want you to know.

At least the laughing-stock market is at an all-time high.

When life knocks you down don’t give-up, get up.

To turn the tide, make waves!

Unfeeling people are always out of touch.

Before you open your mouth, open your eyes.

You’ll never choke on your own words if you choose them carefully.

In diplomacy, sanctions speak louder than words.

To remove those annoying advertisements from your television, unplug it.

The matador’s mantra: “I’m OK, you’re ole`!”

Beware of cowboy lawyers; they may try to lasso you.

In poker, when Lady Luck is on your side you’re in good hands.

I don’t know why, but I felt kind of weird driving that Audi.

What did the car say to Stella the stuntwoman? “Stella! You’re driving me crazy!”

Different people vary differently.

 

PLEASE DON’T FEED THE APHORISMS

This administration isn’t half-bad, it’s all-the-way bad.

We’re really soreing with these turkeys!

Trump Junior seems like a real rip-off the old block..

National Security mutters matter.

Their voter investigation is flawed by fraud.

This year, July has been as hot as a firecracker.

Increased gun sales give US more BANG for our buck.

Black Lives Matter, because no one should have to race for their life.

Hear alone, a voice in the wilderness.

The world’s greatest riches can be found in a heart of gold.

To keep from falling apart, crack yourself up.

I tried to bust a move on the dance floor, butt ended up busted.

Poltergeists are eerie-sponsible.

Soda commercials: Telling it like it fizz.

What kind of tree has mathematical roots? A triginoma.

For the last time, stop it!

Ying and Yang for everythang.

(P.S.- Haven’t you ever heard of a triginoma tree?)