mymanymoodsofme

ME, MYSELF, AND EYE

NO STORY HERE!!!

Take a second first of all and don’t be confused. The “real” story is that there is no “real” story so you might as well ask me what I think about nothing because I don’t think nothing about nothing because it’s all just fake. And what “they” really don’t want you to know is that the “real” story is that there’s nothing to know because there is no “real” story, which is logical because there’s nothing that’s going to change my mind about that because it’s all really fake, except for the part about nothing, which is really real. And you can believe that because it’s what I heard. And I’ve seen lots of “reality” shows in my time so I guess that pretty much makes me a “authority” on the subject, case closed, end of discussion, checkers mate.  And it really pisses me off but I’m not sure why so maybe that’s fake as well, which means I’ll have to check it out and make sure just in case I need to punch someone in the face. So please quit all those mean, horrible, hurtful lies or else because it makes me so disoriented and confused that sometimes I fall down and hurt myself with punitive damages, so thanks a lot Hillary Obama, if that really is your real name! And don’t try to tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about because nothing makes me angrier than that! It’s like the old saying our parents taught us: “If you can’t say anything nice, shut-up fuck face!” So just move along if you know what’s good for you, because there’s nothing to see here because there’s nothing to know because it’s really all fake so quit making a spectacle of yourself because there’s absolutely NO STORY HERE!!!

 

ONCE UPON AN APHORISM

Humpty-Trumpty sat on a wall…

“Pardon me,” said the stinky old fart.

Hear a wealth-made man lies.

One gets the impression they’d prefer a press “corpse”.

“Look!” said the blind and deaf elephant, “There’s nothing to see hear!”

Clean-up your own messages.

The only way to have your cake and eat it too is to steal someone else’s.

They remain conceited because they actually can’t stand themselves.

The most obvious need of any child is apparent.

Mother Goose got down!

If I didn’t have a brain I wouldn’t mind.

To add self-sufficiency and self-reliance, count on your own fingers.

What do you call a frightened Australian psychoanalyst? A Freudy-cat.

What do you call a French female lawyer? Le gal.

Who’s the world’s greatest inventor? Pat Pending.

When I die I want to be remembered posthumorously.

Chess develops mental patience.

THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE APHORISM

President Trump wants to lead the entire country. ASTRAY!

The Trump Lie-brary adds volumes every day.

He’s gotta license he doesn’t want you to know.

At least the laughing-stock market is at an all-time high.

When life knocks you down don’t give-up, get up.

To turn the tide, make waves!

Unfeeling people are always out of touch.

Before you open your mouth, open your eyes.

You’ll never have to eat your words if you choose them carefully.

In diplomacy, sanctions speak louder than words.

To remove those annoying advertisements from your television, unplug it.

The matador’s mantra: “I’m OK, you’re ole`!”

Beware of cowboy lawyers; they may try to lasso you.

In poker, when Lady Luck is on your side you’re in good hands.

I don’t know why, but I felt kind of weird driving that Audi.

What did the car say to the stuntman? “You’re driving me crazy!”

Different people vary differently.

 

PLEASE DON’T FEED THE APHORISMS

This administration isn’t half-bad, it’s all-the-way bad.

We’re really soreing with these turkeys!

Trump Junior seems like a real rip-off the old block..

National Security mutters matter.

Their voter investigation is flawed by fraud.

This year, July has been as hot as a firecracker.

Increased gun sales give US more BANG for our buck.

Black Lives Matter, because no one should have to race for their life.

Hear alone, a voice in the wilderness.

The world’s greatest riches can be found in a heart of gold.

To keep from falling apart, crack yourself up.

I tried to bust a move on the dance floor, butt ended up busted.

Poltergeists are eerie-sponsible.

Soda commercials: Telling it like it fizz.

What kind of tree has mathematical roots? A triginoma.

For the last time, stop it!

Ying and Yang for everythang.

(P.S.- Haven’t you ever heard of a triginoma tree?)

DANCING WITH APHORISMS

More testimony lies before us.

No illusion, just collusion.

A fixture is worth a thousand words.

The only thing some people learn from their mistakes is how to blame others.

Jam Sessions, and all that jazz.

One day his mind wandered, and never came back.

As women age they develop a natural protective layer of fat on their bodies. With men, the fat seems to bypass the body and go directly to the head.

Life is a battle. Don’t fight it, face it.

Every cloud has a silver lining, which usually ends up in a one-percenter’s pocket.

In today’s economy, money just about spends itself!

Did you hear about the alcoholic law student? He couldn’t pass the bar because he couldn’t pass the bar.

Where’s the most lucrative place for a lawyer to live? Sioux City.

If you find yourself lost, Oxy Moron!

“I do so!” insisted the seamstress.

How do low-calorie crackers party? They skinny-dip.

Always remember that being a smartass will come in handy someday, if you live long enough.

If you want to Resist, insist and persist!

APHORISMS GONE WILD!

The Democrats want to play tag, but the Republicans will only play hide and go sneak.

Trump appointees, under oaf, refuse to answer questions.

Now we’re seeing the effects of  “winging” it.

Stonewalls belong in prison.

There’s something phoney about their party-line.

Too few leaders; too many misleaders.

How would I describe this White House in two words or less? Calm Radical.

You made your bed, now lie about it.

If you want to be taken seriously, don’t be such a clown.

I’m a writer who likes to get to the point. Period.

Don’t underestimate nothing.

The contortionist was beside himself.

Did you hear about the Write Brothers? They had a scribbling rivalry.

How do trees feel in the springtime? Releaved!

When everything is too expensive money becomes worth less.

Don’t stand for taking this lying down!

PISSED? RESIST!

CONSUMING NIGHTMARES

“It always starts out the same. It’s a beautiful day and I’m on the beach. I’m just relaxing, soaking up some sunshine and checking out the babes, and it’s all good. And I notice these two girls in particular who are really giving me the eye. One of them is a beautiful, well-built redhead in a skimpy little red and white polka-dot bikini. The other is a bit younger, also with red hair, and dressed in an equally revealing blue and white polka-dot bikini. And like I said, they’re both giving me the eye and sending out all the right signals.”

The doctor licked his lips in anticipation. He knew it was about to get interesting.

“Are they sisters?” he asked.

“I don’t know.”

“But they both have red hair.”

“That’s right.”

“Do you have a thing for redheads?”

“Well, I do love Lucy.”

“I see.”

“Anyway, the first one, with the red polka-dots, gives me this big smile while at the same time the other one starts singing. Then they both start dancing for me in the most exotic and erotic manner I’ve ever seen. And I can’t take my eyes off of them, nor do I want to! It’s as if I’m under some kind of hypnotic spell.”

“And how does that make you feel?”

“Oddly enough, it makes me thirsty.”

“Thirsty?”

“Yes. For a cold, delicious beverage of some sort. It is, after all, a hot day.”

“And so are the girls.”

“That’s right. Then, as if on cue, red polka-dot bikini girl offers me an ice-cold, refreshing bottle of cola.”

“And of course you take it.”

“Well I try to, but before I can grab it blue polka-dot bikini girl hits me over the head with her own bottle of cola and insists that I drink it instead. This infuriates red polka-dot bikini girl who tells me I better drink hers’ or else! Soon they’re both beating me mercilessly with their soda bottles.”

“And how does this make you feel? Hurt? Angry? Confused?”

“Actually, it kind of turns me on. So I say: ‘You seem like a couple of nice girls. How about a threesome?'”

“You said that?”

“Well it is, after all, my dream.”

“And then what happens?”

“They both become convulsed with rage and start ripping the very flesh from my bones, which is when I decide to make a break for it. And after a wild, madcap chase across the sand I find myself hiding out behind this bar called the Kit-Kat Club. There I am, dripping blood, pouring out sweat and barely able to catch my breath, but none of that seems to matter to me anymore. The main thing is I’m thirstier than ever, and come hell or high water I’m going to get myself a cold, delicious beverage!”

“I see.”

“Just about then this short little guy shows up dressed up in a loud Hawaiian shirt and wearing this very strange-looking hat. He’s just about the silliest-looking son-of-a-bitch I’ve ever seen, but there’s a saint-like expression on his face which makes me trust him completely. Then, like an angel of mercy, he holds out a tall, cold, refreshing glass of fruit juice and asks me if I’d like a nice Hawaiian punch. Well, by this time I’m thirstier than the leading paper towel, so I say: ‘Sure I would!’ But then, BAM, without any warning or provocation he sucker punches me with a vicious right hook and down I go.”

“And how does this make you feel? Victimized? Betrayed? Exploited?”

“Not really. For some reason I feel like I deserve it. Then this other fellow comes over, and at first I’m afraid he’s going to offer me something to drink as well because at this point I’m so thirsty I could hardly refuse. But he just smiles and hands me a potato chip.”

“A potato chip?”

“That’s right. And not just any potato chip. It’s the most wondrous potato chip ever known and the most beautiful and perfect potato chip ever created!”

“I once heard about a piece of cake like that, but I couldn’t believe it.”

“Well, you can believe this. So I eat it up and it’s the most incredibly delicious taste-treat I’ve ever experienced! It’s the crispiest, crunchiest, yummiest potato chip ever conceived and my entire being tingles with exquisite ecstasy as I become one with the chip. And at that very moment I have a breakthrough revelation which leads me to a whole new level of understanding about myself and my purpose in life.”

“And what is that?”

“I realize that if I’m ever to be happy I must achieve balance in my life, and therefore I need not only a thirst-quenching beverage, but a delicious, lip-smacking snack as well.”

“I see. Then what happens?”

“I ask potato chip man for another chip, but he just laughs and says: ‘Nobody can just eat one!’ Then, as if to spite me, he starts dancing around and singing this song about how his potato chips are so good that nobody can just eat one. And a bunch of his friends come over and start singing and dancing and carrying on as well. So I ask them if I could please have another chip, but they just laugh at me and say: ‘Nobody can just eat one!'”

“And how does this make you feel?”

“Like a nobody.”

“Please continue.”

“Well, after about thirty seconds they all just disappear, but then  I notice that one of them had dropped a potato chip onto the ground during their dance. So I reach down to pick it up, but when I do it suddenly sprouts arms and legs and runs away from me.  ‘Damn it, potato chip,’ I say, ‘get back here!’ But the potato chip just laughs and calls me a jackass, which really pisses me off.  So I chase after it because now it’s a matter of principal, and I’ll be damned if any wise-cracking potato chip is gonna make a monkey out of me!  Because above all, I must defend my dignity and maintain my honor.”

“Of course.”

“So off I go, scampering after it on all fours, but before I can catch-up it darts into the front entrance of the Kit-Kat Club.”

“The bar you mentioned earlier.”

“That’s right. Now the Kit-Kat Club is a very exclusive establishment, and everyone there is either young or beautiful or rich or some sort of celebrity. So I’m trying to fit in without drawing too much attention to myself, but I’m still determined to catch that smart-ass potato chip. And I notice this little guy in the corner trying to pass himself off as a miniature tortilla visiting from out of town. So I say: ‘Hey you!’ and he says: ‘No speaka the English.’ But then his moustache falls off and I realize that he’s really the potato chip in a diabolically clever disguise. So I say: ‘Nice try, wiseguy, but now I’ve got you!” to which he replies with an unflattering string of vile profanities. And just as I’m about to grab that foul-mouthed little chip to finish him off, this dog comes pouncing in from out of nowhere and devours him with one quick gulp.”

“A dog?”

“Yes. So I say: ‘Hey dog! That was my potato chip!’ But the dog just licks his  balls and says: ‘If it’s on the floor it’s within my jurisdiction. That’s the law.’ And I realize he’s probably right. Then the dog introduces himself to me, and it turns out that he’s none other than Seymour McPisst, the famous super-genius spokesdog from all of those beer commercials back in the day. He also had a short-lived television sitcom about a dog elected to Congress who goes to Washington and poops in the president’s slippers.”

“I think I vaguely remember it.”

“Anyway, he offers to buy me a beer which I readily accept, and he tells me that every one dog year is equal to seven human years. ‘That’s the law,’ he says, ‘so I’ve been able to drink liquor since the age of three.’  ‘Are you some kind of lawyer?’ I ask. ‘Of course I am,’ he replies, ‘You scratch my back and I’ll bite yours!’ He buys several more rounds of drinks, and as he does so he becomes increasingly introspective. He tells me he’s worried that we as a society are becoming more and more like unwitting pawns manipulated by greedy narrow-minded forces uninterested in anything but their own selfish desires. He also worries that young people only hang-out with him for the beer.”

“And what do you think about that?

“Frankly, doc, I really don’t care one way or the other so long as someone else is paying for it. But I don’t have time to dwell on the subject because all of a sudden this squirrel comes crashing in through the window flying some sort of makeshift glider, and it’s just about the damnedest thing I’ve ever seen!  He grabs my box of Nut Clusters breakfast cereal, which I didn’t even realize I had on me, then turns around and  gives me the finger before hauling ass out of there.”

“Do you chase after him?”

“Well, I think about it, but then I figure that any squirrel clever enough to build a hang glider might also be packing heat. But McPisst the dog has no such inhibitions and he goes stumbling off after the squirrel, who’s now using a jet-pack to make his escape. So I’m left alone at the bar, and it isn’t long before people start looking at me funny. Then I notice a foul odor in the air and realize, to my horror, that it’s emanating from my very own armpits. And everyone’s wrinkling their nose in disgust as they look upon me with utter contempt, and the more I try to press my arms against my body the worse it gets. The stench becomes so unbearable that reality itself is repelled from me and I find myself lost in a dark, awful, meaningless void of nothingness.”

“Was it hell?”

“I don’t think so. It was more like the Republican national convention.”

“Please continue.”

“Well,  I cry out in anguish:  ‘Someone please help me! I got stinky armpits!’, and at that very moment the woman of my dreams appears from out of nowhere and gives me a magical bottle of anti-perspirant. Suddenly I smell wonderful and completely irresistible, and as she smiles seductively at me I ask: ‘Can we make love  now?’ But she doesn’t answer my question, she just laughs and says: ‘You’re dreaming!”

“And then?”

” And that’s when I wake up, always in a cold, clammy sweat, completely drained and utterly exhausted,  and sobbing like a little baby.”

The doctor considered what he had just heard. “Well,” he finally said, “I’m not sure how it all adds up, but it seems clear that you’re a very sick individual.”

“But can you help me?”

“Perhaps, but it will take some time. I believe you have unresolved issues concerning your perception of reality, which we may be able to address with the proper therapeutic approach.”

“But what can I do in the meantime? Please, doc! I can’t take much more of this! It’s about to drive me crazy!”

“I suggest you try to relax by engaging in some of your favorite pastimes. Do you have any special hobbies or interests?”

“Well, I do like watching TV…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

WHEN APHORISMS ATTACK

Liar, liar, Pence on fire!

Politics: One criticize fits all.

If you’re too self-absorbed you better look out!

Cowards never see anything, they just close their eyes.

When good people look the other way, it can only be bad.

Scoundrels always try to confuse critical thought with critical speech.

Arms sales: Profits of Doom.

Where do money-laundering trails lead? Perhaps to a Whitewash House.

The media was about to drive the President crazy! “Are we there, Soviet?” they kept asking.

We need a commander-in-chief, not a demander and thief.

What the impeach meant was: “You’re fired.”

Maybe we’ll be able to see things more clearly in 2020.

Ironic, isn’t it, that the network so concerned about the “liberal media” taking “Christ” out of Christmas is constantly promoting it’s own series “Lucifer”.

Pinheads point to heaven without ever looking up.

What do you get if you cross an accountant with a potato chip? Someone who loves crunching numbers!

If id got loose, where would ego?

Learn to play chess and check with me later.

PREYING FOR HIS DAILY BREAD

“And now a word from Reverend Curtis Conway.”

“Friends, I was sitting having a beer with God the other night, when God said to me: ‘Brother Curtis, I’m kind of short. Could I borrow a twenty until next week?’ And I said: ‘Certainly, Lord, but what do you need twenty dollars for?’ And God said to me: ‘Well, Brother Curtis, it’s not cheap trying to run a universe. The upkeep alone is astronomical!’ And we laughed at this. And then God said to me: ‘Brother Curtis, I want you to tell all your friends out there in cyberspace to send you their money. All of their money. And the reason I want them to send you their money is so that you can dress in the finest clothes, eat the finest foods, and live in the finest of dwellings. And the reason I want all this,’ He said to me, ‘is because I want everyone to know that I am the only God, omnipotent and all-knowing. And if anyone should fail to send you their money I will cast them into the outer darkness, where there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth and grumbling.’ Well friends, I told God I’d do the best I could and after showing me a few card tricks He left. Friends, I’m asking you now to send me your money. All of your money. Because He told me to. And remember friends, He knows where you live.”

WILL WORK FOR APHORISMS

What do I think the White House should do about all those leaks? Depends.

Real lies what you are told may not be true.

It takes a really tall tale to wag the dog.

To avoid ignorance ignore rants.

So queasy got Comey he had to go homie.

Tyrants never stoP URGING other points of view.

Trump supporters: Bully for you.

Ironic, isn’t it, that those who never want to compromise with others so often compromise themselves.

Only two directions for a scoundrel to go: ‘Fess up or lie down.

The radical right will never be satisfied until there’s nothing left for everyone else.

Democracy: choose your choice or lose your voice.

The abominable snowman’s children were about to drive him crazy! “Are we there Yeti?” they kept asking.

Writer’s block is never closed to pedestrian traffic. I’m not sure what that means, but I couldn’t think of anything else.

What did the scratch say to the match? You’re fired!

What are we here for? For now, of course!

And where are we going? By and bye.

I may lie, but I always make it up to you.