mymanymoodsofme

ME, MYSELF, AND EYE

Category: aphorisms

ONCE UPON AN APHORISM

Humpty-Trumpty sat on a wall…

“Pardon me,” said the stinky old fart.

Hear a wealth-made man lies.

One gets the impression they’d prefer a press “corpse”.

“Look!” said the blind and deaf elephant, “There’s nothing to see hear!”

Clean-up your own messages.

The only way to have your cake and eat it too is to steal someone else’s.

They remain conceited because they actually can’t stand themselves.

The most obvious need of any child is apparent.

Mother Goose got down!

If I didn’t have a brain I wouldn’t mind.

To add self-sufficiency and self-reliance, count on your own fingers.

What do you call a frightened Australian psychoanalyst? A Freudy-cat.

What do you call a French female lawyer? Le gal.

Who’s the world’s greatest inventor? Pat Pending.

When I die I want to be remembered posthumorously.

Chess develops mental patience.

THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE APHORISM

President Trump wants to lead the entire country. ASTRAY!

The Trump Lie-brary adds volumes every day.

He’s gotta license he doesn’t want you to know.

At least the laughing-stock market is at an all-time high.

When life knocks you down don’t give-up, get up.

To turn the tide, make waves!

Unfeeling people are always out of touch.

Before you open your mouth, open your eyes.

You’ll never have to eat your words if you choose them carefully.

In diplomacy, sanctions speak louder than words.

To remove those annoying advertisements from your television, unplug it.

The matador’s mantra: “I’m OK, you’re ole`!”

Beware of cowboy lawyers; they may try to lasso you.

In poker, when Lady Luck is on your side you’re in good hands.

I don’t know why, but I felt kind of weird driving that Audi.

What did the car say to the stuntman? “You’re driving me crazy!”

Different people vary differently.

 

PLEASE DON’T FEED THE APHORISMS

This administration isn’t half-bad, it’s all-the-way bad.

We’re really soreing with these turkeys!

Trump Junior seems like a real rip-off the old block..

National Security mutters matter.

Their voter investigation is flawed by fraud.

This year, July has been as hot as a firecracker.

Increased gun sales give US more BANG for our buck.

Black Lives Matter, because no one should have to race for their life.

Hear alone, a voice in the wilderness.

The world’s greatest riches can be found in a heart of gold.

To keep from falling apart, crack yourself up.

I tried to bust a move on the dance floor, butt ended up busted.

Poltergeists are eerie-sponsible.

Soda commercials: Telling it like it fizz.

What kind of tree has mathematical roots? A triginoma.

For the last time, stop it!

Ying and Yang for everythang.

(P.S.- Haven’t you ever heard of a triginoma tree?)

DANCING WITH APHORISMS

More testimony lies before us.

No illusion, just collusion.

A fixture is worth a thousand words.

The only thing some people learn from their mistakes is how to blame others.

Jam Sessions, and all that jazz.

One day his mind wandered, and never came back.

As women age they develop a natural protective layer of fat on their bodies. With men, the fat seems to bypass the body and go directly to the head.

Life is a battle. Don’t fight it, face it.

Every cloud has a silver lining, which usually ends up in a one-percenter’s pocket.

In today’s economy, money just about spends itself!

Did you hear about the alcoholic law student? He couldn’t pass the bar because he couldn’t pass the bar.

Where’s the most lucrative place for a lawyer to live? Sioux City.

If you find yourself lost, Oxy Moron!

“I do so!” insisted the seamstress.

How do low-calorie crackers party? They skinny-dip.

Always remember that being a smartass will come in handy someday, if you live long enough.

If you want to Resist, insist and persist!

APHORISMS GONE WILD!

The Democrats want to play tag, but the Republicans will only play hide and go sneak.

Trump appointees, under oaf, refuse to answer questions.

Now we’re seeing the effects of  “winging” it.

Stonewalls belong in prison.

There’s something phoney about their party-line.

Too few leaders; too many misleaders.

How would I describe this White House in two words or less? Calm Radical.

You made your bed, now lie about it.

If you want to be taken seriously, don’t be such a clown.

I’m a writer who likes to get to the point. Period.

Don’t underestimate nothing.

The contortionist was beside himself.

Did you hear about the Write Brothers? They had a scribbling rivalry.

How do trees feel in the springtime? Releaved!

When everything is too expensive money becomes worth less.

Don’t stand for taking this lying down!

PISSED? RESIST!

WHEN APHORISMS ATTACK

Liar, liar, Pence on fire!

Politics: One criticize fits all.

If you’re too self-absorbed you better look out!

Cowards never see anything, they just close their eyes.

When good people look the other way, it can only be bad.

Scoundrels always try to confuse critical thought with critical speech.

Arms sales: Profits of Doom.

Where do money-laundering trails lead? Perhaps to a Whitewash House.

The media was about to drive the President crazy! “Are we there, Soviet?” they kept asking.

We need a commander-in-chief, not a demander and thief.

What the impeach meant was: “You’re fired.”

Maybe we’ll be able to see things more clearly in 2020.

Ironic, isn’t it, that the network so concerned about the “liberal media” taking “Christ” out of Christmas is constantly promoting it’s own series “Lucifer”.

Pinheads point to heaven without ever looking up.

What do you get if you cross an accountant with a potato chip? Someone who loves crunching numbers!

If id got loose, where would ego?

Learn to play chess and check with me later.

WILL WORK FOR APHORISMS

What do I think the White House should do about all those leaks? Depends.

Real lies what you are told may not be true.

It takes a really tall tale to wag the dog.

To avoid ignorance ignore rants.

So queasy got Comey he had to go homie.

Tyrants never stoP URGING other points of view.

Trump supporters: Bully for you.

Ironic, isn’t it, that those who never want to compromise with others so often compromise themselves.

Only two directions for a scoundrel to go: ‘Fess up or lie down.

The radical right will never be satisfied until there’s nothing left for everyone else.

Democracy: choose your choice or lose your voice.

The abominable snowman’s children were about to drive him crazy! “Are we there Yeti?” they kept asking.

Writer’s block is never closed to pedestrian traffic. I’m not sure what that means, but I couldn’t think of anything else.

What did the scratch say to the match? You’re fired!

What are we here for? For now, of course!

And where are we going? By and bye.

I may lie, but I always make it up to you.

GOD BLESS THE USAPHORISMS

In deceit of power there sits a liar.

When the emperor has no clothes you can anticipate a hasty “cover-up”.

For whaT REASON are they being so evasive?

And, for that matter, what do you get when you cross a TRaitor with a chUMP?

It’s not a “witch” hunt, it’s a “which-rich-son-of-a-bitch” hunt.

PUTINTRUMPGATE: They collude we conclude.

Trumputin’s scheme: concur and divide.

Accuse the media all you want; we know who the real “FAKE” is.

Turn your returns over so we can see what lies beneath.

Warning: Smoking guns may be dangerous to your wealth.

Money is the most destructive addiction, it must be aGREED.

A tax we should all be concerned about: cyber a tax.

Just budge it so the economy can work for everyone.

I nose what I nose, and it’s a pollen!

It’s the earthquake’s fault.

RIP, Chuck Berry, Rock In Paradise.

Time goes bye.

WHO LET THE APHORISMS OUT?

Global warming: the dinosaurs’ revenge.

Soon we might have to call Antartica Aintartica.

Instead of a giant wall, let’s encircle the country with a giant mall, and help the economy as well!

Democracy goes bankrupt without a “free” press.

Not surprisingly they prefer “flake” news, as it’s known.

Their lies the answer they want.

Ironic, isn’t it, that it’s always the biggest “drips” that complain loudest about “leaks”.

The scariest tweets are those that go “Trump” in the night.

It’s always darkest before the “Don”, probably because he’s not too bright.

Fellow-Americans beware: Someone’s been RUSSIAN around tryin’ to play US for A SAP ASAP!

Those trapped by their own lies often seek an “escapegoat”.

Conservatives wake up! Put on your big boy Pence and impeach Trump.

An empty mind can only produce echoes.

Closed minds only seize darkness.

Go on a diet if you’ve got nothing too loose.

To feel wanted, imagine everyone is out to get you.

Impunity: What happens when imps get together.

THE APHORISMS THAT CAME IN FROM THE COLD

Now we’re seeing Trump’s team putin control.

It seems that the administration has been lying… in bed with the Russians!

A rich oxymoron: Someone with millions of dollars but no sense.

Shit happens, usually around assholes.

It’s bad enough when people jump to conclusions, but when they jump to delusions it becomes downright dangerous!

Those that swagger in often stagger out.

If you’re a strange bad fellow go into politics.

The easiest person to fool is yourself, especially if you voted for Trump.

Ignorance doesn’t know what it doesn’t know, and is damn proud of it!

Greed threw a party but only invited himself.

Please don’t feed the dinosaurs; it only makes them bigger which only makes them hungrier.

A thousand years from now archaeologists will be “excavating” the vast area known as cyberspace.

I was struck by the way he hit me.

I was on the golf course, fore-crying out loud.

A mime is an oxymoron for crying out loud.

Gay men are often more successful than straight men, probably because they feel compelled to succeed.

How did the rabbi fix his coffee? He brew it!