The most alarming and fastest growing crime statistic of recent years has been that of space alien abductions. Abduction victims have reported being prodded and medically examined and, in a few extreme cases, forced to perform laser karaoke. What should you do if confronted by space aliens? First of all, never ever open your door for space aliens. It’s best to pretend that you’re not even home. If the space aliens persist you might try playing a Barry Manilow record. Scientists are not sure why, but this sometimes drives them away. But remember, space aliens have highly advanced scientific technology far superior to our own, so it’s a good idea to keep a baseball bat handy as well. Kids, don’t talk to space aliens, and never ever get into an alien spaceship, even if a space alien offers you some space candy. Remember kids, just say “no” to space aliens! And in the event that you ever actually do find yourself confronted face to face with space aliens, try to remain calm, act polite but distant and, for goodness sake, don’t make any annoying wisecracks about their over-sized heads and huge insect-like eyes!
As a final cautionary note, the following recently documented case of space alien abduction was recounted while under hypnotic trance by Mr. Gil Dibble of Mesa Plaisa, New Mexico who, in accordance with his own wishes, will remain unanimous:
“I was out walking my pet antelope, Penny Antie, in area 50, when I made a wrong turn and ended up in area 51. All of a suddenly some wiseguy in a spaceship comes flying out of the sky, and it scared me so bad I almost fell off my pogo stick! I yelled at him to slow down, but it was too late for that because all of a suddenly it was parked nearby, and I don’t know. Then these damn space aliens came over. I don’t think they had any insurance either, because the first thing they did was try to put me in some sort of trance. But I was too intelligence for that, and I only played along with them to see if they’d feed me. They took me to this shiny room in their spaceship, but when one of them got fresh with me I kicked him where the sun don’t shine! Then I hopped onto the back of Penny Antie, and we busted on out of there! We didn’t even stop until we got to area 39, twelve areas away, which is a lot! The hole experience seems like a dream to me now, but I know it really happened because later on I found “crap-circles” in my underpants. Damn space aliens!”