Congratulations on your recent millions of dollars jackpot win! You’ll be relieved to know that I’m not writing in order to “get” anything from you, as I’m sure that by now you’ve had your bellyful of various sales-pitches, investment schemes and hard-luck stories. And let me tell you it really burns me up that people would try to take advantage of a good kid like you and your good-naturedness. So I’m writing to warn you not to trust anyone, unless they’re not asking for anything in the same way that I’m not asking for anything neither. And believe you me, I’d just love to take a good “swipe” at all those jerks who are like that and always looking for a handout from good folks like you and me for crying out loud! And what really rattles my cage is that I’ve heard my fair share of horror stories about those poor super-jackpot lottery winners who were tricked out of their winnings in no time flat by low-down, no-good, blood-sucking parasites masquerading as human beings. And I would really hate to see that happen to such a smart, good-looking kid like you, or whatever. So if you like I’m offering, for absolutely no charge, to hold onto a million of your dollars for you (and please notice I specifically said “your dollars”, which proves I’m on the level) just in case you might befall some such misfortune so as to lose all of your money. Of course there would be some normal operating expenses incurred, but it would be well worth it for you to have the peace of mind of knowing you won’t end-up working at “Hamburger Emporium Yum” or some shit like that! Anyway, it’s just a thought so let me know because, honestly, I’m actually just a really nice normal good guy you can completely trust, extending my helping hand in your direction.
Your Boniface Champion and Fellow Chum Me