mymanymoodsofme

ME, MYSELF, AND EYE

GOD BLESS THE USAPHORISMS

In deceit of power there sits a liar.

When the emperor has no clothes you can anticipate a hasty “cover-up”.

For whaT REASON are they being so evasive?

And, for that matter, what do you get when you cross a TRaitor with a chUMP?

It’s not a “witch” hunt, it’s a “which-rich-son-of-a-bitch” hunt.

PUTINTRUMPGATE: They collude we conclude.

Trumputin’s scheme: concur and divide.

Accuse the media all you want; we know who the real “FAKE” is.

Turn your returns over so we can see what lies beneath.

Warning: Smoking guns may be dangerous to your wealth.

Money is the most destructive addiction, it must be aGREED.

A tax we should all be concerned about: cyber a tax.

Just budge it so the economy can work for everyone.

I nose what I nose, and it’s a pollen!

It’s the earthquake’s fault.

RIP, Chuck Berry, Rock In Paradise.

Time goes bye.

WHO LET THE APHORISMS OUT?

Global warming: the dinosaurs’ revenge.

Soon we might have to call Antartica Aintartica.

Instead of a giant wall, let’s encircle the country with a giant mall, and help the economy as well!

Democracy goes bankrupt without a “free” press.

Not surprisingly they prefer “flake” news, as it’s known.

Their lies the answer they want.

Ironic, isn’t it, that it’s always the biggest “drips” that complain loudest about “leaks”.

The scariest tweets are those that go “Trump” in the night.

It’s always darkest before the “Don”, probably because he’s not too bright.

Fellow-Americans beware: Someone’s been RUSSIAN around tryin’ to play US for A SAP ASAP!

Those trapped by their own lies often seek an “escapegoat”.

Conservatives wake up! Put on your big boy Pence and impeach Trump.

An empty mind can only produce echoes.

Closed minds only seize darkness.

Go on a diet if you’ve got nothing too loose.

To feel wanted, imagine everyone is out to get you.

Impunity: What happens when imps get together.

THE APHORISMS THAT CAME IN FROM THE COLD

Now we’re seeing Trump’s team putin control.

It seems that the administration has been lying… in bed with the Russians!

A rich oxymoron: Someone with millions of dollars but no sense.

Shit happens, usually around assholes.

It’s bad enough when people jump to conclusions, but when they jump to delusions it becomes downright dangerous!

Those that swagger in often stagger out.

If you’re a strange bad fellow go into politics.

The easiest person to fool is yourself, especially if you voted for Trump.

Ignorance doesn’t know what it doesn’t know, and is damn proud of it!

Greed threw a party but only invited himself.

Please don’t feed the dinosaurs; it only makes them bigger which only makes them hungrier.

A thousand years from now archaeologists will be “excavating” the vast area known as cyberspace.

I was struck by the way he hit me.

I was on the golf course, fore-crying out loud.

A mime is an oxymoron for crying out loud.

Gay men are often more successful than straight men, probably because they feel compelled to succeed.

How did the rabbi fix his coffee? He brew it!

THE RETURN OF SECRET ANIMAL INSPECTOR MAN

I had just returned from assignment in Antartica, trying to answer the age-old question: “Why are there no ants there?” It is called ANTartica after all, and not MOSQUITOartica or even POLARBEARartica. But it turns out that the reason there are no ants there is for the same reason that there are no mosquitos there, and that’s because no one makes overcoats small enough to fit them. Besides, Eskimos hardly ever have picnics, except on National Picnic Day, which only comes once a year, and we all know how terrible ants are at planning that far ahead. They don’t even have calendars, for crying out loud! But happy National Picnic Day anyway! Last year I got a chicken-salad sandwich and several pieces of twine, and I don’t think I’ve been that happy since my early days as a young, idealistic animal husbandry marriage counselor. Those were happy days indeed, until I realized that no such job existed. But life goes on and so do I, do I ever! For I am Secret Animal Inspector Man.

THE SPY WHO SHOVED ME

Sometimes I watch TV, but mostly I just make funny faces at myself in the mirror. It’s much more interesting than television and, because of its interactive nature, gives one a higher degree of intellectual simulation than might otherwise be attained. Or do I mean ineffectual stimulation? I’m not quite sure but I suppose it must be either six of one or have a dozen of another. And I’m not crazy or anything, but suddenly I’m hungry for donuts and I don’t know why, but it’s probably due to some kind of police conspiracy or government cover-up. And nobody’s been able to explain that one to me so don’t even think about going there because now you’ve got me all confused so thanks a lot! You must be some kind of wise ass smart aleck with a depreciated nipple face, if you know what I mean. So I’ll just ignore you, and if you don’t shut-up I’ll ignore you with my foot up your butt!

Anyway, there I was, making funny faces at myself in the mirror, just like any normal average ordinary run-of-the-mill American might do on a Saturday night, when suddenly I thought I saw my dirty laundry moving out of the corner of my eye. This was very unusual, and at first I thought it must be some kind of optical delusion. After all, my dirty laundry never ever moves anywhere unless it absolutely has to. Even if I yell and scream at the top of my lungs it just sits there silently, as if to mock me. The underwear and socks are bad enough, but the smocks are the worst. No wonder artists go crazy!

But then I saw it moving once again, so I did what any normal average ordinary run-of-the-mill American would do. I pulled out my gun and started shooting.

“Please stop!” begged the laundry, but it was too late for that because I was already out of bullets. As I franticly reloaded, this time with “hollow-points”, the laundry pleaded once again:

“Please! I’m unarmed!”

“Of course you’re unarmed,” I said, “You’re the laundry!”

“But I’m not!” it screamed, “Please! I can explain!”

And with that, out of my oversized pile of dirty, overdue laundry tumbled a little gray man. Not a lot gray, but just a little. So I said what any normal average ordinary run-of-the-mill American would say under the circumstances.

“Are you from outer space?”

“No sir.” He showed me a badge which I wasn’t allowed to look at. “I’m with the NSA.”

“The National Security Agency?!”

He shook off some of the dust. “Actually that’s a common misconception. Our official title is Numbnuts Spying on Americans.”

I wrinkled my nose in disgust. “And you’re here hiding in my dirty laundry?!”

“Oh yes,” he replied, “We love dirty laundry!”

“But why??!”

“Oh, I don’t know. It’s comfortable and warm and I suppose it reminds us of when we were little babies…”

“No! What I mean is: What were you doing in my dirty laundry?!”

He almost seemed surprised at the question. “Why, spying on you, of course. I’m here to protect you from yourself.”

“Protect me from myself? You almost gave me a heart attack!”

“Well, I can’t help that sir. As we like to say at the agency: ‘Scaring is caring’.”

And with that he launched into a strange story of bizarre experimentation and frightening intrigue. But I had already seen that episode of the Kardashians, so I made him tell me more about the NSA.

“Oh yes,” he assured me, “We here at the NSA are on the cutting edge of 21st century espionage techniques. Even as we speak our scientists are working on methods to establish communication with domesticated animals.”

“You mean pets?”

“Amongst others.”

I must have had a puzzled look on my face because he continued without prompting.

“You see, we here at the NSA feel that domesticated animals, or pets as you call them, could be an invaluable source of information, and we want to know exactly what they know.”

Suddenly I understood. “You want pets to spy on their owners!”

“Of course,” he replied quite matter-of-factly.

Visions of a demented Doctor Doolittle danced in my head. I was almost afraid to ask, but couldn’t help myself.

“Have you had any… luck?” I inquired.

“Oh yes.” He reflected on this for a moment. “Strangely enough, it’s been the common housecat that has proven to be the most cooperative and easiest to work with. Unfortunately, all they’ll tell us for right now is: ‘I want chicken, I want liver, I want tuna, please deliver’. We’re sure it’s some kind of code, and we’re sparing no expense in our efforts to crack it!”

“And the dogs?” I asked.

He sighed. “We really don’t trust the dogs. We have unconfirmed rumors that they’re either a bunch of sleeping liars, or a bunch of lying sleepers, or maybe even both. And besides that, they’re always crying all the time.”

“And they ain’t never caught a rabbit so they ain’t no friend of mine!” I finished triumphantly.

He frowned. “Well, I can’t confirm that, but I’ll certainly look into it.”

And then I realized that he wasn’t really evil, like Dracula or telemarketeers, just misguided and moronic, like a fart seeking approval on credit. I felt like a child who had lost his incense.

“One of our most successful experiments,” he continued, “was with the common housefly. As a matter of fact, we were making quite remarkable progress until that unfortunate incident with the SWAT team.”

I felt sorry for him and despised him all at once. I knew I had to get rid of him but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, nor was I sure how to dispose of the body. Meanwhile, he continued his pitch.

“And inter-specie communication is not the only option we’re studying. The NSA is working very closely with hundreds of professionally accredited psychics in an effort to unlock the secrets of the universe, and gain some basic understanding and insight into its deepest mysteries.”

I was intrigued, yet repelled. “Have you had any success?”

He thought about it for a moment. “Well, not yet,” he admitted, “but Madame Boom-Boom assures me that I might be coming into some money next week if I play my lucky numbers while wearing plaid.”

But by this time I had had enough, and it was time for him to go. At first I tried letting him down gently.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to leave.” I said.

“Don’t be afraid!” He cried out, “That’s just what the terrorists want! Don’t let them win!”

“Out,” I insisted.

“Be a pal!” he pleaded, “I’ve got a thirty-year mortgage!”

“Sorry.”

He seemed close to tears. “Please! Don’t make me look bad in front of my kids!”

“Get out!” I barked. I felt like a clumsy doctor, somewhat embarrassed and starting to lose my patients.

His demeanor suddenly changed as a vindictive look came over him. “All right,” he sneered, “I’ll get out. But you just wait. Somehow, someway, sometime, someday you’ll need me, and when you do I’ll be back with a vengeance! And then you’ll really be sorry!”

But it was too late for that because, just like any normal average ordinary run-of-the-mill American, I already am.

THE END
(for now)

APHORISMS FOR STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

I wish the proponents of HB2 would use their “head”.

Practice makes perfect, which explains why there are so many fools in the world.

If “you-know-who” wants to appeal to young black voters he should adopt a “hipper” moniker. Might I suggest T. RUMP.

To learn more on politics, listen to what the “Don” has to say.

I wouldn’t trust Trump to run tap water!

Vanity always clashes with good taste.

Hedonism and greed go hand in hand.

Greed is a terrible mistress, always making promises, always leading you on, but never satisfying you.

Who are we really worshiping; the Almighty, or the almighty dollar?

Honor Saint Teresa by remembering those who have been forgotten.

I wonder if Putin is the reincarnation of Rasputin, extracting his revenge.

Careful, when anger boils over it becomes hate.

Life is too short not to get along.

To turn your life around, face in a different direction.

What the fig meant was nothing.

What the pig meant was: “Hue goes there?”

My ship never came in. Just a dingy!

APHORISMS FOR OXYMORONS

I hate when they drone on and on, even if it Is is necessary.

Will someone please explain to the huge corporations that we want them to go by the law, not go buy the law!

Those who only chase after money eventually catch hell.

Is it the world that’s making us crazy, or vice-versa?

I always tell paranoids and cynics that they’re wonderful because they always wonder why.

The vice-squad detective loved writing poetry, or vice-versa.

The real trouble with kids nowadays is that I’m no longer one of them!

What do you want to be when you grow up? Happy, I hope!

To receive love, open your heart.

I wonder if the idiots who drive slow in the left lane do so in order to have lots of “followers”.

I saw the latest James Bond movie. As usual, it left me shaken, but not stirred.

A lazy mind usually remains closed.

“Never mind me,” said the poor lonely thought.

Leaves falling must befall.

Did you hear about the baseball player who was too lazy to run? He was out. Standing!

Don’t encourage me, I’m incorrigible!

You panic, ironic, we all manic for moronic!

BROTHER CAN YOU SPARE AN APHORISM?

The real trick of life is finding the time before it runs away.

To find happiness in life you shouldn’t ask “What’s in it for me?”, but rather “What’s in me for it?”

They asked me what I was doing for Cinco de Mayo. “Nothing,” I replied, “I’m waiting for Uno de Juno!”

Perhaps it is ghosts who are haunted by us. We’re certainly frightening enough!

The only real imagination some people have is someone else’s

In moments of silence “hear” with your eyes; in times of darkness “see” with your imagination.

Genius may be explained thusly: If Sir Isaac Newton had been hit on the head by a fig instead of an apple, he might only have invented a delicious cookie. But he still would have been hundreds of years ahead of his time!

The aftermath of war is always certain, with the worms fighting over us.

The only thing the one-percenters want to fix is the election.

Eventually, we’ll all be joining the underground.

There are many different ways of looking at things. Closing your eyes is not one of them.

To learn from your mistakes, quit blaming others!

The best things in life are free, especially people.

Perhaps they’d get better press if instead of “the illuminati” they called themselves “the illuminice”.

If you crossed Mick Jagger and Keith Richards with a group of violinists you’d get fiddlesticks and stones (and probably break your earbones!)

Don’t be like the man with no fingers: Always missing the point.

Follow your heart until it stops.

WHEN THE APHORISMS COME MARCHING IN

Ghosts live in the past, dreams live in the future, and we live in between.

I’ve been talking to myself a lot lately, but its better than being ignored.

I’d like people a lot more if they weren’t such idiots!

One thing all Americans should remember: You don’t have the freedom to take away other people’s rights, and you don’t have the right to take away other people’s freedom.

To keep up with the times, subscribe!

To keep up with the Kardashians, make a big ass of yourself.

I used to feel like a complete unknown until I founded the latest self-help group: “Nobodies Anonymous”.

Shakespeare scholars take note: Your toes, by any other name, would smell as feet.

The most ignorant people in the world are those that never ask questions, but don’t ask me why!

I celebrate Donald Trump! Every April 1st.

Fear is the enemy of reason, which I fear is the reason I’m so scared.

Some people will only listen when nothing is being said.

Scoundrels always edit their “evidence” by cutting out the truth.

You can only go so far walking in someone else’s footsteps.

Where will the Martians land? In the marsh, of course!

To ignore your heart is to lose your soul.

When the chips are down, don’t be a DIP!

APHORISMS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

They put Timothy Leary’s ashes in orbit around the earth. FAR OUT, MAN!

God is my soul beneficiary.

Paula ticks me off!

Feel free to wave your flag, but not my rights!

I think therefore I am. I don’t think therefore I am… Republican!

Different asshole, same shit.

Please remember folks, it’s FREEDOM not FREEDUMB.

Narrow-minded people will only worship narrow-minded gods.

Followers of money make very poor leaders of men.

If someone throws a tough question at you DONALD DUCK it!

Today’s insult: “You’ve got a good ass there on your shoulders!”

Free Wi-Fi? I didn’t even know he was in jail!

An ill wind blows. It snows.

Chessplayers promote upon reaching the eighth rank.

Phil adored his pawns.

Ruy Lopez beware: Mars shall attack!

What if there is no what if?