mymanymoodsofme

ME, MYSELF, AND EYE

WAKE-UP AND SMELL THE APHORISMS

Russian collusion is being denied by the Fox News Nyet-work.

Open your eyes to real allies who your real friends are.

A nuclear and present danger threatens today’s world.

Be careful! Russian spies keep their ears open over here.

Never hit the snooze button on the doomsday clock.

I feel sorry for fatheads. They have an infinite weight to under-stand.

We should have guessed the lunatic fringe woodwork for Trump.

Shut-up and save the wails.

I’m surprised he didn’t pardon Benedict Arnold as well.

A knit-wit’s yarn soon unravels.

Golden showers mean urine  trouble.

I don’t know why, but chimp-acts are always a hit.

If your thoughts are too sensitive, don’t put them down!

Acquire your heavenly music in church.

Holy-bliss sings gospel music.

It’s way too heavy to ponder us.

Never doubt forever.

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THIS APHORISM’S FOR YOU

“The Art of the Ordeal” by Donald Trump. In the  whorer section.

Hopefully, no Stone lies unturned by Mueller.

The press sure is getting to you, Donald.

To build a great wall why not get the real experts… China!

Trump should be mentally committed by now.

Only a real asshole is that full of shit!

I hope Trump eventually gets his wallop, by God!

Everything tyrants seize they steal.

Beside themselves narcissists only love mirrors and yes-men.

Voters shouldn’t gamble with these political odds that are so obviously crooked.

In their war against reality, they’re now drafting con-scripted fake news lip service.

I think it’s pauseable to stop time.

Know more questions than answers.

Look where there’s no justice incite.

When your wait is over, diet!

Pray to become wholly-spiritual.

Never forsake God, for God’s sake!

 

 

A TRUMPED-UP STORY

(A short excerpt from “Moron, More Off And Moreover” the political “thriller” published 2/25. Enjoy!)

 

“…I was born with an evil identical twin blacksheep brother who was no good. He was almost exactly the same as me, but my hair was way nicer. That’s why my parents were so ashamed of him that they had to keep him secretly locked-up in the Bronx Zoo. With the baboons. He blended in perfectly and even became their leader, until one day he slipped out on a banana peel and escaped. He became jealous of me, just like everybody else, so one time he put knock-out pills in my Captain Krunch cereal. Then he tied me up and went out and colluded with Russia to make me look bad. Luckily, I escaped with karate and chased him all the way to Hawaii where I challenged him to an inquisition quiz contest. But he cheated by memorizing facts and stuff so I punched him very tremendously right in the face, and he fell down into some quicksand and disappeared forever. The end….”

SHAPE-SHIFTING APHORISMS

Not surprisingly, Trump has stoop-ed down to a new low.

Trump vs. Stormy: Thugs vs. Jugs.

Fox news viewers mind being controlled.

Those living in an ignorant state are easy to fool.

Upon reflection, Ingraham’s wholly weak apology lacks principals or class.

Parkland students have paid too high a price, so give them the change they’re due.

To find a solution, search insight out.

Our cops runneth over… civil liberties!

Space debris insurance: Protecting you from space junk fragments or bits.

Chicken Little was a visionary.

As if the world hasn’t had enough Chinese junk dumped on it already!

April fools joke practically all the time.

Easter and April fools on the same day? Better watch out for rubber peeps!

If you don’t want to tie yourself down, why knot?

When angry, folk cuss.

Remember, world, we’re all in this together.

It’s father across the universe. RIP, dad.

DON’T BLAME ME

Don’t blame me, I voted for Timothy Leary,

Don’t blame me, I made love and not war,

Don’t tell me about your latest theory

To feed the rich by stealing from the poor.

 

You say that I just don’t understand you,

And that all your heroes are so pure,

But I’ve seen the clowns that command you,

And, yes, I know the smell of fresh manure.

 

Lately, I’ve been thinking,

The more you say the less I understand.

Lately, we’ve been sinking,

But the less we have the more that you demand,

And…

 

Don’t blame me, I warned you what would happen,

But you never hear a word I say.

You’re too busy figuring the angles,

And you never let the facts get in your way.

 

Lately, I’ve been learning,

The more you say the less I understand.

Lately, we’ve been yearning,

But the less we have the more that you demand,

And…

 

Don’t blame me, I voted for Timothy Leary,

Don’t blame me, I made love and not war.

Don’t come to me all cross-eyed and bleary,

‘Cause I’ve seen that act too many times before,

And I just don’t wanna hear it anymore,

But I’ll watch your back as you go back out my door.

 

(And the next time you screw everything up…)

DON’T BLAME ME!

 

 

APHORISMS IN THE MIDST

Trump always makes the nuisance he’s an idiot!

Careful: a tarriffied economy will often sink into depression.

You Midas well call him King Anus since everything he touches turns to shit.

A scoundrel’s Hope lies in deception until he’s caught.

Give him enough rope and he’ll make his own news to hang himself with.

Hey Kushner! Jaready to follow in your father’s footsteps?

I’m waiting for Mueller to release his own memo: “After Nunes. Time for arrest.”

Democracy: Fighting for what’s right, while holding onto what’s left.

A no-good heel without any sole should always be shoed-away.

“There’s no such thing as evolution!” claimed the monkey’s uncle.

You don’t know what you don’t know, you know.

Science informs, silence conforms.

I have no comment, and you can quote me on that.

Nowadays those who are modest are old-fashioned.

I wish I wasn’t so humble so I could be greatful.

What do men want from women? Go figure!

More lessons lessen morons.

BEWARE THE IDES OF APHORISMS

The Presidon’t no nuthin!

Am I nuts, or have we become a democrazy?

Never put your ass on the line for someone you can’t take seriously.

Trump makes me laugh so hard I cry!

Falsifiers burn their bridges in front of themselves.

Mid-term elections might just lead to a GOP “down” fall.

It’s always up to nervous people because they never calm down.

The masochist his torturer lovingly.

Follow yourself on Twitter and you’ll never get lost.

Take heart: Behind every gray cloud a blue sky awaits.

What did the astronaut say to Mother Earth from outer space? “See you ’round!”

Spring has sprung, and I’m not dandelion!

How do cows feel after milking? Udderly exhausted!

During his retirement King Arthur often reminisced about the good old days and Knights.

Where does inspiration come from, and more importantly, where has it gone and why?

The best things in life are free, and if you don’t like it, get your money back!

Keep on standing tall, in a resiSTANCE!

 

MORON, MORE OFF, AND MOREOVER

In an alternate universe not terribly far away but terribly far off, the President was worried.

“I’m worried,” he confided to his chief-of-staff, “and I’m worried that people will find out that I’m worried. And then they’ll try to make me look bad!”

“I don’t think they’ll do that, sir.”

“Oh yes they will! They always do!”

“Yes sir.”

“They’re jealous of me!”

“Yes sir.”

“I’m a very intelligent person, you know.”

“I know.”

“I know all the right words and everything.”

“Yes sir.”

“My intelligence is very intellectual.”

“I know.”

“One of the great memories of all time!”

“Yes sir.”

“Do you think I should challenge them to an IQ contest?”

“Well, I don’t know about that, Mr. President…”

The President eyed him suspiciously. “Whose side are you on anyway? You’re supposed to be my chief-of-stuff!”

“That’s chief-of-staff.”

“Huh? Are you sure about that?”

“Pretty sure.”

“You’re not making that up?”

“No sir.”

“Well then,” the President said, being the quick thinker he is, “quit trying to make me look bad, and summon my chief-of-stuff!”

“You don’t have one.”

“I don’t?”

“No sir.”

“Really?”

“Yes sir.”

The President shook his head in disgust. “Damn it!” he cursed, “No wonder I can’t get anything done around here!”

“Yes sir.”

There was a short silence.

“Wait a minute!” the President said suddenly, “Maybe I’m onto something here! Did Obama have a chief-of-stuff? Or Clinton?”

“No sir.”

The President’s mind raced backwards at the speed of light.

“And what about Bush?”

“As far as I know, sir, no President has ever had a chief-of-stuff.”

“Well, there you go!” the great man proclaimed, “No wonder this country’s in such a poor state!”

“Yes sir.”

“And it took a super-genius like me to figure that one out!”

“I know.”

“Okay then. From now on you’re no longer my chief-of-staff, you’re my chief-of-stuff!”

“Yes sir. Thank-you sir.”

“Because that’ll fix everything. I like to fix things.”

“Yes sir.”

Another short silence followed.

“Well?” the President demanded with an icy glare, “Are you going to congratulate me or what?”

“I was just about to. Um, good one, sir. Congratulations.”

“Don’t mention it. I’m very modest.”

“Yes sir.”

“It’s one of my best qualities.”

“I know.”

“Just be sure to tell Fox news so they can prove to all loyal Americans that I have a very good brain. One of the great memories of all time!”

“Yes sir.”

“So where were we?”

“I’m not sure, sir.”

“There you go again! If you can’t say where we were before, how can you find out where we are later on like right now?”

“We’re right here, sir.”

“But that’s what I’m talking about! Where is ‘right here’?”

“In the Oval Office, sir.”

“The Oval Office?”

“Yes sir.”

The President chuckled arrogantly. “You moron!” he sneered, “It’s the Opal Office, not the Oval Office! Because it’s shaped like an opal. Melania will back me up on that because she’s got her own line of jewelry.”

“Actually, sir, that’s a common mistake everyone makes. It’s really called the Oval Office because it’s shaped like an oval.”

“You must mean an oval opal.”

“Yes sir, that’s right.”

“Well… maybe nowadays. But just don’t contradict me anymore!”

“No sir, I mean yes sir!”

“It really is tremendously rude!”

“I know, sir.”

“What?!?”

“I mean yes sir!”

“That’s better. You know, I used to drink Ovaltine as a kid. One of the great memories of all time!”

“Yes sir.”

“I’ve also got a pornographic memory, you know.”

“I know. You paid her off.”

“I did?”

“Yes sir. We got the money out of your official campaign slut fund.”

“Good. Nobody has more respect for women than me. Nobody!”

“Yes sir.”

The President’s brow darkened.

“And how do those damn bitches pay me back? Whining about this and that and trying to make me look bad! Then I’m nice enough to offer to pay them off, but do they take my money and thank me like any decent normal person should? No! They’re just a bunch of greedy-ass, loud-mouthed, stuck-up whores, if you ask me!”

“Yes sir.”

“And you know how whores are. It takes one to know one.”

“I know.”

“Maybe I should sue them!”

“You already did.”

“Then I’ll challenge them to an IQ contest!”

“You are very smart.”

“That’s because I comprehend stuff very well, better than almost anybody. I’m like a smart person.”

“I know.”

“One of the great memories of all time! Have I told you that before?”

“Yes sir.”

“I thought so. Did you know that IQ stands for inquisition quiz?”

“No sir.”

“What?!?”

“I mean yes sir, I see!”

“IC? No, you idiot, not IC, IQ! How will you ever learn from my wisdom if you don’t pay attention?”

“Sorry, Mr. President. You’re right as usual.”

“I’m surrounded by idiots!”

“Yes sir.”

“Anyway, I’m worried. And I’m worried about this whole Russia business, too. Because every time I try to fix it someone else messes things up! And it’s no good for our democracy because I’m the one who was elected, which means I’m the only one who counts! So I get to make the rules because America loves a winner and I’m a winner! The one who won the big one!”

“Yes sir.”

“One of the great memories of all time!”

“I know.”

“So this special prosecutor, can I sue him?”

“I don’t think so, sir. And I don’t think it would be a good idea to challenge him to an IQ contest, either.”

“Damn!”

“What you should probably do is tell him that Russia has absolutely no influence over you, and that you’ve had very little contact with Putin.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Vlad doesn’t want me bringing his name up.”

“Vlad?”

“He said I could call him that, but only in private. In front of everyone else it’s Mr. Putin. He doesn’t want to get involved in US politics, you know. And I don’t blame him!”

“I see.”

“So now I figure I’ll just tell this special prosecutor joker that I don’t remember any of that Russia stuff that never happened during the election which I won without any help from all those Russians who didn’t help me.”

“I think that would be smart.”

“I told you I’ve got a big brain. One of the great memories of all time!”

“I know. But in the meantime it might be helpful to create some sort of diversion.”

“In the meantime, hmm… I like the sound of that! In the meantime tell me what you mean ‘in the meantime’.”

“Well, for starters maybe we could do something for Puerto Rico.”

“Puerto Rico? But I already brought them paper towels and everything! What more do they want, for crying out loud?!”

“It would be a very smart public relations ploy to promise them additional aid. And it would definitely make you look good.”

“Well I’m not buying it, and unless I’m not mistaken Puerto Rico is Spain’s problem anyway!”

“Yes sir, Mr. President.”

“When they build that wall, then we can make a deal!”

“Yes sir.”

“But I do like your diversion angle. It’s the kind of honest, straight-forward deception I’ve always preferred. I’m really just a simple-minded kind of guy.”

“I know.”

“Anyway, me and myself have been cooking up some of our own diversion scenarios, and I hope you notice that I’m using lots of really big tremendous words.”

“Yes sir.”

“Good. Anyway, one of our best scenarios, one of mine actually, unless it turns out to be a bad idea, is that I was born with an evil identical twin black-sheep brother who was no good. He was almost exactly the same as me, but my hair was way nicer. That’s why my parents were so ashamed of him that they had to keep him secretly locked-up in the Bronx Zoo. With the baboons. He blended in perfectly and even became their leader, until one day he slipped out on a banana peel and escaped. He became jealous of me, just like everyone else, so one time he put knock-out pills in my Captain Krunch cereal. Then he tied me up and went out and colluded with Russia to make me look bad. Luckily, I escaped with karate and chased him all the way to Hawaii where I challenged him to an inquisition quiz contest. But he cheated by memorizing facts and stuff, so I punched him very tremendously right in the face and he fell down into some quicksand and disappeared forever. The end. I think that covers all the bases. What do you think?”

“Well sir, Mr. President sir, I’m not sure your story is all that believable.”

“Why do people keep saying that to me? Can’t they understand the pressures I face every day, and the tough decisions I have to make? Mar-a-lago or the Bedminster golf club? Cherries-Jubilee or Chocolate Mousse? It’s not easy, you know!”

“I know, sir. Maybe we should take a break for a few minutes.”

“Now that you mention it, I am tremendously hungry! All this executive thinking is very, very hard work!”

“Yes sir.”

“I think I’ll order a sandwich.”

“Good thinking, sir.”

“Well, you know what they say: An army brunches on it’s stomach!”

“Sir! If you don’t mind my asking, what are you doing?”

“Using the room service button to order my sandwich, dumb ass, what do you think?”

“But sir! That’s not a room service button! It’s the doomsday button!!”

“Nonsense!” the President barked, “I’ve lived in hotels for years so I’m a expert on room service. And believe me, this is a room service button!”

And because the President didn’t want to be contradicted anymore, it was.

 

THE END.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME APHORISMS!

Americans beware: Putin’s PAC in town, and on the attack once again!

For God’s sake, Republicans, your country’s under attack! Wake-up and smell the borscht!

The Russians have gotten almost as good at dividing US with propaganda as Fox news.

We’re under attack and led by a quack. Duck, Donald!

Clearly Trump has put the “mock” back in demockracy.

What a temper! Mental fool he is!

Careful, Mr. President. You can jump  on an executive priviLEDGE, but you might also fall off of it.

I’m not twisting your words, your words are twisting others!

When Republicans “fix” the budget, it’s an elementary deduction that school children will suffer.

Gridlock: Democracy inaction.

If you think that love is an illusion you just don’t believe in magic.

God bless us all, including those I wish would drop dead.

A fool in paradise will always seek greener pastures.

To find yourself, first check your GPS!

Inquizative minds want to know… Game shows!

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t get stoned because eventually they’ll crash.

Don’t love talking, talk loving!

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON APHORISMS

Tanks a lot Wall Street anD ow Jones that really hurt!

Trump is inclined to general lies about everything.

Falsifires shed no light; they only cast shadows.

How can you make a case if you haven’t got a clue?

Careful! The prelude to mass-destruction has often been mass-distraction.

We need to observe a ban on hate, not a Bannon hate.

That lunatics me off!

Where does ego maniac? Crazy, man, crazy!

And the angry man livid unhappily ever after.

Trump loves the poor, no? Yes!

Will a pay-off lead to Stormy whether or not?

When the blind lead the blind it’s a dark day indeed!

Never bring a knife to a gunfight, unless you’ve cornered the market on bullets.

You can count on a census every ten years.

Never trust a headhunter who offers you a free haircut.

Dan Druff is a flake!

Resist, one voice at a time and all in unison.