“You know,” remarked George as he emptied the contents of the dustpan into the Colonel’s pocket, “If I had kept all of the dirt that I’ve swept up over the years, by now I’d have my own mountain.”
“Shut-up, you moron,” sneered Sid. He so enjoyed these discussions.
The Colonel suddenly became quite agitated. “I’ll tell you what it is with Generation X!” he sputtered. “They’re jealous because the Baby Boomers wrote all the best rock and roll songs and didn’t save them any!”
Bernard didn’t know what to say. “I don’t know what to say,” he said.
“Well well well well well,” said Stan. He felt confident in his loose-fit jeans.
“Um,” interjected Andy. The room became thick with silence as all eyes focused in upon him. He felt like the proverbial insect under the microscope. His hands began to get clammy and he wished he’d never been born. “Looks like rain,” he finally blurted out.
“Yes indeed,” agreed the Colonel.
“Of course it looks like rain, you moron,” snapped Sid, “It’s been raining all morning!”
“I didn’t see the weather forecast,” confided George, “No wonder I’m so wet.”
Bernard still didn’t know what to say. How he wished that he’d paid more attention to those designer-jeans commercials!
“The hell with Mike,” chortled the Colonel, “I want to be like Wilt!”
Raucous laughter broke out among all except Andy, who was still worrying about his sweaty palms. “Why the hell don’t they make palm deodorant?” he wondered. He felt enraged, yet powerless to do anything about it.
“Well well well well well,” said Stan.
Bernard cursed silently, wishing he’d thought of that.
And then it happened. The Colonel farted.
Stan lunged back instinctively, away from that loud report, but unfortunately he was only inches away from the window and thus crashed through it, plummeting to the ground below. Bernard’s mind raced at the speed of light. He’d seen something like this once on television, and he suddenly knew exactly what to say. But then he forgot.
“He fell out the window,” said Andy.
“Yes indeed,” said the Colonel.
“Don’t worry,” said George, “I was a lifeguard. I know what to do.” And with that he dove out of the window, only realizing later the unfortunate mistake which he had just made.
Bernard shifted his buttocks to a more comfortable position. His mind was a blank but he felt compelled to say something. Anything. “Um!” he cried out, suddenly inspired, “Wait for me!” Beaming with new found confidence, he also hurled himself out of the window.
All this time Andy’s palms had been sweating profusely. He’d always secretly dreamed of becoming a thrill-seeking daredevil circus stuntman and at this very moment he felt terribly inferior, like one week-old vintage wine. His throat became dry and his tongue began to itch. It was too much for him to bear, and with a hoarse, tortured scream he flung himself out of the window as well.
“Damn!” said Sid, “Not again!” For this exact same sequence of events had occurred just two weeks earlier.
The Colonel grimaced sheepishly. “I hate rainy days!” he said.